I’ve been searching my entire life. In the past 6 months, that search has intensified, It has consumed my thoughts day and night. It has kept me awake until dawn. It has distracted every moment of my days. It gets caught in my throat when I try to speak, and brings tears to my eyes when I think about it too long. It is my search for love.
Yes, I know. I should find it in myself. I shouldn’t need anyone else to complete me, to make me happy, the make me feel whole. But I do need it. I need it more than the air I breathe, more than shelter from the rain, more than myself. Because without it, I feel like I’m drowning. I’m sinking, and there’s no rope to save me. It suffocates me. It’s a loneliness like nothing I have felt before and I just can’t figure out how to save myself.
So I’ve been searching. Everywhere I go, everyone I meet. Can I see it in their eyes? Is it here? Or is it more disappointment and heartache? They say that love finds you when you least expect it, when you’re not looking for it. Maybe that’s true, but what I can’t seem to figure out is… How do I give up the search? How do I stop looking for it so that it can find me??
There’s a tiny glimmer of hope. That’s what keeps us going, right? That tiny flicker that could maybe, possibly turn into a flame. A smoldering just beneath the surface that makes you think that it might be just within your reach. I watch him drive past. I see him notice me. I know he’s watching. Trying to be smooth, trying not to look but he can’t help it. I see him in his uniform, either slowly cruising by or speeding with flashing lights. I see him as a civilian, walking into the station, or driving past in his roofless jeep. It just happened again, lights flashing, no sirens. He’s right around the corner. So close, but so far. How do I turn that spark into a flame? How can I turn it into something I’ve always dreamed of? I want to feel him deep in my soul, in every heartbeat, in every breath. I want him to fill me completely, make me feel things I’ve never felt before, make me ache for him. I want him to let me love him and care for him as he loves and cares for me. I want him to be my best friend, my lover, my everything and more. But as I see him drive by yet again, tapping away on his computer as he drives back to the station, it’s still just a tiny spark.